Crying out for a refuge from the storm

 

 

In that day the Branch of the LORD will be beautiful and glorious, and the fruit of the land will be the pride and glory of the survivors in Israel. Those who are left in Zion, who remain in Jerusalem, will be called holy, all who are recorded among the living in Jerusalem. The Lord will wash away the filth of the women of Zion; he will cleanse the bloodstains from Jerusalem by a spirit of judgment and a spirit of fire. Then the LORD will create over all of Mount Zion and over those who assemble there a cloud of smoke by day and a glow of flaming fire by night; over everything the glory will be a canopy.It will be a shelter and shade from the heat of the day, and a refuge and hiding place from the storm and rain.

 Isaiah 4:2-6

 

This morning I woke up at 6:15, and my first thought was a plea to God for healing for Angela.  We have been having a storm this week in our lives.  Angela's health is deteriorating.  One contributing factor to that is the lack of reliable insurance from her job.  They continuously keep charging us $80.00 a week, but will cover none of the medications that she needs.  Her stomach has been the biggest worry this weekend - without her medications, the gastroparesis that she suffers from because of her diabetes causes her terrible pain and suffering.  She has been humiliated by having bathroom accidents, even when she's here at home and near to a bathroom.  Sometimes she just can't make it and has an accident on herself.  I know that she feels shame and humiliation because of this, but I simply feel anger at her insurance for not providing any actual coverage for her medications.  

After waking up with that thought in my mind, I checked our bank account and saw that, indeed, her 'benefits' from her substitute teaching job debited us again for $80.00 and has put us at -$40.00 in our checking account.  Right now we are really, really struggling.  I have cried out to God and like all people wish there was immediate action from Him, but I know that's not how He works.  I know that He has His own time, and will move when it is right so that he gets the glory, and I am okay with that....I am okay with God getting the glory because he should.  These damnable insurance companies surely deserve no glory, and neither do I.  I have felt so helpless and useless this weekend because there is nothing that I can do to fix what's wrong with her. I can't force the insurance company to do what's right either.  What I can do is pray for a move of God to heal my wife completely as a miraculous cure so that she may glorify God in his perfect love.

I pray that she will be completely healed of all her maladies: Diabetes, gastroporesis, polycystic ovarian syndrome, high blood pressure, everything, all of it.  I pray that God will be glorified in this, even while I am monetarily in the hole.  Sure, I would love to be rich and have the money to just drop $2,000.00 a month on her medicine like it's nothing, but I'm not and I can't.  What I can do is testify that I am rich in love for my wife and children, I am rich in love for my church and my brothers and sisters in Christ.  With my anger and anxiety roiling deep inside of me due to the circumstance that we currently find ourselves in, I can still praise God because he has blessed me in so many other ways.

I have felt purposeless this week and this weekend.  I feel like I have no vision for my life and I have been struggling with that feeling for a while now - I've finally come to a point in my walk with God that I've been able to admit to myself that I feel like I don't have a purpose in life...I feel as if I am aimless, shiftless, a wanderer among the lands without a rudder or guide for my life.  I have talents that I often feel aren't worthy of God's time because I haven't been able to turn them to a profitable use...but I also know that God did not give me those talents to make a profit with, he gave them to me to worship Him with.  I am tired of being blown about by the winds of chance, of the storms that we have been in for the past six years.  I am tired...I am bone deep weary.  First the onset of major depression from my health issues, then the loss of my parents, then the deepening of my depression, the loss of friends, the schism that lies between me and my children at times, my inability to earn a profitable wage to support my family with a better lifestyle...all of these things  and more weigh in on top of me and I simply try to bear it in silence, continuing to praise God, but I am oh so weary.  I do not know when the end of this storm will come.  I know that there will be other storms in life after this one, but this one?  I am ready for it to blow over and be over with.  I am sick of the attacks of the enemy tossing my life around as if it were a bit of flotsam on the wind.  I pray God's vengeance on the enemy, I pray God's power over my life.  I pray God's grace and mercy and peace on my heart and mind so that these anxieties and worries cannot eat away at me, rather they become praise on my lips for a loving God who is continuing to walk me through this storm on a minute-by-minute basis.  I do not know how He will bless me and my family to get through this, but I do know He will.  He has already said He will, so I am trusting that it is coming.  I'm not sure of the purpose in my life - now that my children are mostly grown - Rebecca, my youngest, is now 16 and will soon be graduating from school and moving on to whatever is next for her in life. All of my children are working towards a similar goal, so I try to seek excitement and wonder for what God has in store for me next.